Met Office Issue Warning As Large Cloud Of Lynx Africa Expected To Cover The UK On 25th December

The Met Office has issued a warning to citizens as a large cloud of Lynx Africa is expected to cover much on the UK on the 25th December.  Lynx Africa is one of the most popular brands of Lynx deodorant, and millions of citizens are expected to get tonnes of the stuff from their Mums and Nans in just two

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Builder Who Asked Apprentice To Order A Ton Of ‘Hard Core’ Gets Unpleasant Suprise

A builder who asked his apprentice to order a ton of ‘hard core’ from the internet got an unwelcome surprise when a ton of ‘hardcore’ adult magazines turned up at his industrial unit.  Having been given the instruction, the keen apprentice immediately spent the next 60 minutes ordering back-issues of various adult magazines for his boss.  Eager to please, the

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Woman Who ‘Married’ A Ghost Pirate Says She ‘Divorced’ Him After He ‘Tried To Kill Her’

A citizen of the American variety has announced that she has divorced her ghost pirate husband after he allegedly tried to ‘kill her’.  The citizen in question was apparently quite happily married to the ‘pirate ghost’ who she met on the popular dating website ‘DateGhostPirates.com’, having paid a $1,000 joining fee to a company based in North Korea.  But the

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Worlds First ‘Adult Film’ University To Be Built In Birmingham

The worlds first ‘Adult Film’ University is to be built in Birmingham according to a source who is close to the project. For decades now, citizens have been complaining about the sub-standard acting skills which can (apparently) be found in most feature-length adult films. Men and women who have been looking for gritty dramas have been let down after seeing

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Cops Deflate Their Own Tyres In Bid To Avoid Driving Worlds WORST Looking Police Car

The Ministry of Morale is investigating after some police officers were caught letting down their own car tyres to avoid having to drive one of the most hideous looking police cars we have ever seen.  The horrendous looking vehicle has caused morale failures in the officers who have been forced to drive it, owing to its child-like design.  The Ministry

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‘Jeremy’s Retirement Drinks’ Event Set Up On Facebook With 13k Citizens ‘Interested’

A retirement drinks event has been set up on Facebook to mark the imminent retirement of the current Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn.  The ‘event’ is running from today up until the 25th December, meaning that the knees-up will be spanning 12 days; making it one of the most extended retirement drinks events ever recorded.  So far, 5,100

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Santa Goes AWOL After A Heavy Drinking Session In Poland

The Ministry of Morale (Morale Coordination Centre) has been notified about an incident involving Santa while he was transiting through Poland.  At around 23:15 hours yesterday evening, Santa was seen to enter a strip club in a well known night spot as he stopped for a quick break in Poland.  However, he did not emerge from the festive venue until

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Christmas Postponed After Santa Endures 72-Hour Wait In A&E

Unfortunately, Christmas has now been postponed in order to give Santa enough time to recuperate from a 72-hour wait in A&E.  The Festive character was taken to hospital via a blue-light Taxi-ambulance after he became stuck in someone’s chimney during a trial run, ready for the 24th December.  However, the chimney that he picked was much smaller than his large

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BMW Owner Gets Angry After Realising That Front Grill Isn’t A Toaster

An irate BMW owner has endured an epic morale failure after realising that their front grill isn’t actually a toaster.  At around 06:30 hours this morning, the BMW owner in question walked out to their vehicle with several slices of bread, hoping to eat some toast before driving into work.  They placed the bread into the gaps in the front

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