Cyclists Who Ride Five Abreast To Be Chastised

It has been brought to our attention that some gangs of extreme cyclists have decided to ride up to five abreast when using roads country roads which have been paid for by over-taxed and under-valued motorists.

Over the last few weeks, our morale hotline has been overloaded with calls by agitated motorists who, whilst driving along national speed limit roads, have been forced to drive at 10 mph after getting stuck behind these herds of cyclists.

This is because gangs of extreme cyclists have, in effect, been forcing motorists to undertake dangerous maneuvers when trying to overtake the bike gangs, including forcing motorists into the face of on-coming traffic.

Often these cycle gangs, as well as riding five abreast, will extend out for miles along the road meaning that, if you have an important place to get to as a motorist, then you will often be stuck behind these lycra-clad gangs for up to 4 months at a time as they meander through the countryside.

In order to try and combat this problem, the Ministry of Morale are thinking about releasing an app that motorists can use to track these herds of cyclists meaning that they can hopefully avoid being caught behind them.

The App would use Radar networks to track the cyclists and send out warnings to motorists in the form of ‘hot spots’ of where to avoid these flocks of budding Tour De France enthusiasts.

Our Chief Morale Officer said:

“As a motorist, there are few things more frustrating than being forced to drive a 10 mph on a road where the speed limit is 60 mph because you end up getting stuck behind a flock of cyclists who insist on taking up the whole road because they want to race each other. 

“The Ministry will be sending out morale patrols to find these gangs and if they are found to be riding in groups where they are taking up the whole road, then serious words will be had with them. 

“This might include setting up a cycling equivalent of Air Traffic Control (but for cyclists) where cyclists will be forced to maintain a minimum distance between each other whilst riding in single file. 

“With motorists having to pay hundreds of pounds each year to build and maintain the roads, it’s only right that they (the motorists) are actually allowed to use them without being hindered/delayed. 

“We would urge cycling gangs to consider using static bikes which are found at gyms if they want to see who can ride the fastest. 

“Failing that, then we might think about allocating a time slot during the day when fewer motorists are likely to be hindered by cycle gangs – the time of between 0300 – 0400 hours has been mooted by our morale agents”. 


Red mist descends on most motorists who are met with this sight

The Ministry of Morale is committed to try and increase the morale of all citizens both inside and outside of the public sector, from all over the world. 

If you have experienced a sudden and unexpected drop in morale, for whatever reason, and you would like to make us aware of what has happened, then you are encouraged to make a short video of the ‘morale failure’ and send it into us via our facebook page (see below). 

The video might then be shared with the general public in order to bring awareness to the issue that has led to the morale failure.



One comment

  • I know this is a satirical site, but it really is not helpful to reinforce the completely wrong belief that motorists pay for use of the road. Road tax was abolished in 1922, roads are paid for out of general taxation and so we all pay for the upkeep of the roads. vehicles pay an emissions duty (VED) which is effectively a pollution tax and ironically, if cyclists did pay VED it would be zero, same as electric vehicles. unfortunately perpetuating the myth that roads belong to motorists increases the risk to the safety of those who cycle on the roads.

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