Secret Documents Reveal That The Emergency Services Could Be Outsourced To ‘Uber Eats’

A secret Government document from an anonymous whistleblower suggests that some tasks currently carried out by Fire, Police and Ambulance services could be outsourced to delivery company ‘Uber Eats’.

The document allegedly states that studies indicate that Uber Eats respond to calls significantly faster than the emergency services.

In cases of minor fires, selected Uber Eats drivers would be issued with a bucket of water (with a sealed lid) to deal with minor fires.  

Similarly, to assist NHS paramedics, they will be equipped with Paracetamol, sticking plasters and antiseptic cream to treat minor health problems.

Proposals affecting the police service are limited to an official form, printed in red ink, which says “Stop Being So Naughty”, and the power to ban people from Facebook for a week.

Reaction from the emergency services are mixed.

The Fire Brigades Union’s positive response was 

“It could save us attending minor incidents so that we could get a good night’s sleep. However, we would suggest two buckets of water & one of those fire blanket things.”

The ambulance service was much more positive; they stated that, since 80% of their calls were for minor problems, this would save them from attending calls from bell ends. 

They further suggested that Uber Eats drivers should be trained to say “you okay, hun” in a voice that sounds as if they care.

The Police Federation were less supportive. 

A spokesman said, “The Stop Being So Naughty” form is a good idea in theory, but the problem is that most of our service users can’t actually read.” 

He added, “one area that needs close scrutiny, is whether this would affect cake and doughnut delivery to individual police stations.”

Uber Eats was unavailable for comment, but issued a written statement which said, 

“We are already fully experienced in getting people to work long and unsocial hours for very little money.”

Off the record, an Uber Eats driver said “sounds cool, man. Do we get like a siren and some of them flashing lights?”

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