How To Administer Medicinal Pills To Cats & Dogs

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. 

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in the right hand. 

As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in

left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in the left arm, holding rear

paws tightly with the left hand. 

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. 

Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. 

Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. 

Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. 

Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. 

Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take the taste away. 

Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. 

Get another pill. 

Open another beer. 

Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. 

Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply a cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. 

Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. 

Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f—— cat from tree across

the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take the last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. 

Push pill into the mouth, followed by a large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. 

Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. 

Call furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect “mutant cat from hell” and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

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