‘We Need People Who Want To F__k Other People Up’ New Army Recruitment Campaign Announced

The Ministry of Morale will be rolling out a new no-nonsense recruitment campaign that will aim to recruit some of the country’s hardest men and women into the armed forces.

In the past, our recruitment campaigns have asked for ‘snowflakes’ and people who play Call of Duty 23 hours a day, to sign up.

But we quickly realised that this campaign, as well as letting civvies come up with these campaigns, meant that the wrong sort of person was being attracted to serve in the armed forces.

By using slogans such as:

‘We need people who want to f__k other people up’ and:

‘can you shoot a terrorist from 500 metres?’, then hopefully we will start to get hard men and women to join the armed forces.

Another slogan will be:

‘Do you like your mates more than your family? If so, then come and join a proper brotherhood.’

Other slogans will include:

‘Do you have anger management issues? Yes? Then sign the f__k up.’

and:

‘do you have a deep loathing of terrorists? Yes? Then join us and channel that anger down the barrel of a GPMG’.

Talking about the announcement, our Chief Morale Officer said:

‘We need hard men and women, who understand what it means to be in a proper brotherhood of armed men who are intent on destroying the enemy, whatever the cost.

‘It is hoped that this new campaign will stop the limp d__ks from joining up and will instead start to get people through the doors who can deliver some damage to the enemy.

‘The armed forces will, in effect, become a ‘snowflake free’ zone meaning that professional video-gamers and snowflakes will stay away from our glorious armed forces.

‘combat videos from the front line will also be played on digital ad screens around the country so that the men and women interested in joining the armed forces can see what to expect when they get sent into combat.

‘We will also be shortly announcing new measures which will see serving armed forces personnel and our veterans treated like VIPs.

‘Each time a politician sees a veteran or someone serving in the armed forces, then they will be expected to stop where they are and bow their heads to the military men/women who are stood before them.

‘If the politician has previously served in the armed forces (for more than two years) then such a gesture will not be necessary.

‘These new measures are all a part of our plan to let our armed forces personnel know how much we love them and how well respected they all are.’

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