New ‘Masturbation Tax’ To Be Introduced To Raise Much-Needed Funds

Running a country is expensive. Especially when the private sector knows exactly how to mug you off and you pay your politicians £100,000 per year for a few days of work.

So that’s why we have decided to introduce a ‘masturbation tax’ that will help to ‘raise’ some much-needed funds.

Seeing as how citizens get taxed to the hilts on EVERY aspect of their daily lives, it now makes sense to tax citizens when they decided to engage in some ‘self-pleasure’.

Each time an act of ‘self-pleasure’ is administered to oneself, a charge of £10 will become payable to the Ministry of Morale.

There will be no upper limit to the tax (or minimum threshold) meaning that citizens who engage in the act of ‘self-love’ 15+ times a day will have a considerable bill to pay.

Whilst we understand that this new tax might not be to everyone’s pleasure, citizens need to keep in mind that we have to send around £13 billion to other countries each year and that someone has to pay for this (well, you do already, but you need to pay more).

Each citizen will be fitted with a ‘masturbation monitor’ that will be strapped to your wrist (or feet).

It will be able to record when citizens are, for example, locked in a cupboard at home whilst furiously ‘cracking one out’.

We will also develop an app that will create a ‘leaderboard’ and will show your friends, family and work colleagues how many times per day you engage in the act of self-pleasure.

The app will also allow us to know exactly how many times per day you crack one out and where you are at the time of engaging in the act of self-pleasure.

When we detect that the act is being carried out at work, then your boss will be notified and billed accordingly.

Whilst some employers will not agree with having to pay for their employees’ masturbation events, as they are doing it whilst at work then it is only fair that you should be taxed for it.

Talking about the tax, our Chief Morale Officer said:

“The aim of this tax is not to discourage citizens from making love to themselves.

“Far from it.

“The aim of the tax is to encourage citizens to spend more time masturbating and thus, in doing so, raise more money for the coffers as it is proving to be extremely expensive to have to keep repairing all of the damage which is being done to our fine country thanks to the incompetent decisions which are being made by some politicians.

“We would like to thank you in advance for your understanding and your co-operation.

“If you do not already own a w**k sock or a w**k tent, then we suggest that you get one ASAP”.

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