Police Response Vehicles To Be Fitted With ‘Give-A-F__k’ Meter

The Ministry of Morale has decided to fit police vehicles with ‘give-a-f**’ meters which will allow them to rate the calls which are sent over to them via their Mobile Data Terminals (MDT’s).

This will mean that, for example, if a callsign is sent a job by the control room that entails dealing with a situation that is beyond the remit of the police (for example, where the control room tries to send officers to deal with a teenager that won’t do their homework) then the operator in the vehicle will be able to rate it from -20 = ‘no f**ks are given’ to -3 = ‘slight f**k is warranted’.

It is hoped that this new system will enable officers to spend more time dealing with urgent calls rather than having to deal with nonsense.

The give-a-f**k meter will also enable officers to ‘bat away’ so-called ‘griefy’ calls which have been sat on the open incident list for the last three years.

Talking about the proposals, our Chief Morale Officer said:

“These new meters will enable officers on patrol to let their control rooms know exactly which calls are suitable for a police visit and which ones aren’t.

“For example, control rooms will no longer be able to try and send a unit to an address in order to take a report from someone who is alleging that their mother’s brother’s cousins’ 20-year-old pedal bike has been stolen.

“The meter will also mean that officers can let their colleagues know about how they are feeling during a shift or when a certain request by their colleagues is made.

“As a prime example, when a PC sends out a request to be relieved from a crime scene so that they can go for refs, then their colleagues can let them know exactly how many f**ks they give.

“We are confident that these new meters will help to ensure that police resources are only used in scenarios where the police are actually needed”.

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