New Gum Released To Help Prevent Excessive Masturbation

The Ministry of Morale is pleased to announce that a new chewing gum has been developed in order to help people who have become addicted to the act of ‘self love’.

It is hoped that the gum will prevent the need for people to ‘relieve’ themselves when in places other than their bedrooms.

Whilst the act of self-love can be a pleasurable and sometimes necessary experience if, for example, you are serving in the military and end up going on a 9-month deployment, then ‘choking the chicken’ in a mess full of blokes can have an adverse effect on your overall wellbeing and morale.

Of course, it is important to ‘keep things flowing’ but few men relish the idea of having to sneak off to some communal toilets in order to carry out the ‘act’ whilst you are surrounded by your oppos who are all going for a poo at the same time.

Our Chief Morale Officer said:

Hopefully, this gum will help men to control their inner urges by preventing them from having to relieve themselves whilst either away on deployment (if you are in the military) or if you are, for example, around the in-laws.

As the packet states, you can expect to feel free from the desires associated with ‘self love‘ for up to six hours after chewing the gum. 

If you have a friend who is constantly ‘banging one out’ then a pack of this chewing gum should help them to overcome their inner urges which is great if, for example, your friend is going on holiday with you and you wanted to avoid any awkard moments”. 

As there is also a shortage of Vaseline at the moment, then it is hoped that the release of this new gum will allow stocks of the lubricant to become replenished”

The Ministry of Morale is committed to try and increase the morale of all citizens both inside and outside of the public sector, from all over the world. 

If you have experienced a sudden and unexpected drop in morale, for whatever reason, and you would like to make us aware of what has happened, then you are encouraged to make a short video of the ‘morale failure’ and send it into us via our facebook page (see below).

The video might then be shared with the general public in order to bring awareness to the issue that has led to the morale failure.

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