Author Archives: Chief Morale Officer

Citizens Advised To Adhere To ‘Full Moon Friday 13th Curfew’

The Ministry of Morale is urging all citizens to stay indoors today (Friday 13th September) as we are expecting herds of t__t badgers to emerge from the wilderness after the sun sets.  Not only is today ‘Friday 13th’ but there is also expected to be a full moon of gigantic proportions.  This typically means that a breed of human known

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Amazon Fire Sticks Blamed For Amazon Fires

Citizens have been calling for Amazon Firesticks to be banned following the devasting fires which have led to less oxygen being produced owing to the destruction of the rainforest. Despite the greedy little bas_ards who have been starting the fires giving zero f__ks about the damage which they have been causing to the planet’s lungs, there has been widespread disgust

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New ‘Snowflake Earrings’ Must Now Be Worn By ALL Snowflakes

The Ministry of Morale (that’s us) is today announcing that all snowflakes must now wear these official ‘snowflake earrings’. Owing to the amount of ‘eyeball wee’ that is lost each time a snowflake gets upset (usually hourly), the Ministry of Morale has been ordered to come up with a solution to stop/contain these ‘leakages’. After spending billions of pounds of

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Male Tries To Outsmart A ‘Medical Kiosk’, But FAILS

An unhappy citizen contacted us recently after they had a bizarre encounter with a ‘medical kiosk’. The message sent into our Morale Operations Centre read: ‘Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. ‘When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read: “You have tennis elbow. Soak it in

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New ‘GINBULANCES’ Being Rolled Out Across The Country

The Ministry of Morale is pleased to confirm that from an as-yet-unspecified date, a new emergency ‘Ginbulance’ service will be introduced. The ‘Ginbulance’ will be on-hand to make its way to anyone who requires a Gin, for whatever reason. Citizens who need Gin will be able to call a dedicated number that will put them straight through to the Gin

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Grandma’s Experience Morale Failures As ‘Nana Slicers’ Hit The Market

Grandma’s around the country have experienced an ‘en-masse’ morale failure after ‘Nana Slicers’ started to hit the shelves in shops up-and-down the country. One ‘Nana’ told us: “Literally, I have been looking after the Grandkids for the last 18 years, always when my offspring cannot find a babysitter, and this is the way that society repays me? “Nana’s need to

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All New Toilets To Be Fitted With USB Chargers

The Ministry of Morale is excited to announce that, as from an as yet undetermined date, all toilets will be fitted with USB charging points. This measure is being introduced because the Ministry of Morale has noticed that millions of citizens each year experience morale failures after their phones run out of charge after sitting on the toilet for several

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Phone Bills Soar When Social Media Is Down, As People Have To Phone Their Friends To Find Out What They Had For Dinner

A survey conducted by the Ministry of Morale (survey department) has found that, on average, when social media websites are down, peoples phone bills increase by around 1,000%. Our research has shown that this is because citizens make billions of phone calls as they ask their friends/family about what they had for breakfast, lunch & dinner rather than getting such

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15-Year-Old Lad Sues Parents For Setting Up CCTV In His Room To Stop Him W__king

A young lad who suffered from a significant morale failure is intending to sue his mum and dad after they installed mini CCTV cameras in his bedroom to stop him from ‘pleasuring himself.’ The disgruntled 15-year-old boy from Alaska told local morale agents that his parents set up the security cameras in his bedroom after his mother caught him ‘in

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Fire Risk As Citizens Plug Their Phone Chargers Into Dollars Bills, Hoping They ‘Charge’ To $100 Bills

The Ministry of Morale is advising citizens who find themselves in the United States NOT to plug their phone charges into dollar bills in the hope that they ‘charge up’ to $100 bills. The trend started after someone called ‘Hunter’ was overheard talking in a Hooters Bar about how he had managed to turn a $1 into $100 after he

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